6-11-15
The second thing I wanted to report on is. When we went to CA I left my gun home. Something I don’t like to do. I have a need carry every were I go. I moved to a different county just so I could get a permit.
My Daughter asked me a few years ago, why do I want to carry a gun all the time. My answer was I like to be prepared, I was a good Boy Scout. But I could not give her the real reason, I did not know my self. I have thought about it often over the years but never could find the real reason.
Sometime in the last six months, since we have moved to FL, I think I found the reason. I think something bad happened to me and/or a friend when I was a kid and I could not defend or protect myself, now I can.
I don’t know but that is what it feels like. I think what ever happened hurt so much I blocked it from my memory and I have built emotional walls to protect myself. The result is I don’t let anyone in, not really.
Anyway the point I want to make here is, I left my gun home and when I got home I did not have the need to carry. In fact I haven’t carried since I got back 8½ days now, I have thought about it, but I haven’t. Not sure when I’ll carry again, I’m just trying to get in touch with how I feel about it…
Another thing cool thing that happened since starting this book. Last night when I was doing the mirror exercise looking in the mirror giving myself love and complements, working on building my self esteem. I actually looked in to my eyes, something I do not do is look into anyone’s eyes. This goes back to when I was in High School. I used to do a lot of drugs. One of the things I would do when I was stoned was to look in the mirror, in to my eyes. As I did I would trade places with the guy in the mirror, in my mind anyway. Then I would walk around. I remember it felt like I was a spectator in this body just watching through the eyes, I did not have control over it. Then one day, walking through the mall, I made eye contact, for a long time, with some guy on the other side of the hall. I can’t explain it but it felt like a spiritual battle, remember I was stoned in someone else’s body just along for the ride. Any way since then I do not look in to anyone’s eyes. I felt like if I did I might hurt them or take something from them.
Going back to last night looking in the mirror, the second I made eye contact I felt great fear, I was terrified, there was an intense tingling burning feeling rotating around through my whole body, getting stronger as it went. I almost turned away but I was able to keep eye contact and tell myself it was OK. Gradually the fear left me and I continued to tell myself I loved me…
This morning getting ready with my wife all of a sudden I noticed the color of her eyes. They were shining. They were beautiful. I was looking in to her beautiful eyes and enjoying the realization that this book was going to help me in ways I can’t even imagine yet.