10-11-15
I’m home from my vacation, we had a great time and I’d like to do it again. We had fun the whole trip but it sure is nice sleeping in my own bed.
I also was on vacation regarding my self-improvement I found out. I have gained the weight back that I lost, I hate to say it but I weigh 200 lb, my goal is 185 lb. I had planned on working out every day in the little gyms at the hotels and condo we stayed in. and practice my karate exercises also. But it seemed we were always busy running around having fun (and being lazy). I did do some karate on two different days and I did do a few crunches and pushups in the room 2 or 3 times. But it obviously was not enough.
The good side of that is I am more motivated to work out more now and watch what I eat. Eating is probably more important because I like to snack and I don’t stop until I feel full, even though I know I don’t feel full until about 30 minutes after I am full so I’m stuffed before I stop eating. When I was younger it didn’t matter, I could eat all I wanted and never gain any weight, so I’m working on breaking old habits that did hard.
I only listened to the book one day for few hours as we were driving, on the 1st day driving back. I would have liked to listen to the book the whole way but I felt like Debbe would not so I did not ask her, until the trip home. I really was missing listening to the book but I just don’t ask people to do things I think they may not like. At my core I feel like it is better if I am uncomfortable than for someone else to be uncomfortable.
Wow, I just thought about what I just wrote. I’ve known this my whole life but writing it down, wow it just hit me. Many thoughts are running around in my head about this right now.
I stopped to just think about me for maybe 30 min. I resist thinking about me, my mind wanted to go watch a Ted talk or listen to something, anything to stop looking at me. So I prayed for a while and I meditated for awhile. I found myself in an attitude of gratitude just really appreciating what I have, physical things, my health, where I’m at in my life, my wife, wonderful feelings for my wife. I wanted to go wake her up and give her a hug, I didn’t, I waited until she woke up. I did end up in front of a mirror saying things like I love you, and you/I am worthy, with that I did have tears start to appear. Part of me wants to let the tears flow but a bigger part stops me. That part of me is afraid of what people might think if someone might see me crying, even Debbe.
I’m thinking about the time he traded the yellow tablet for a blue one in the book. Since the first time I read that I have started making small decisions about what I want. By small I mean choosing the color of the straw I put in my drink rather than just taking what I get. Thinking about which shirt I ”want” to wear rather than just grabbing the first black one when I get dressed in the morning. I have even chosen where we go out to dinner a few times. When we do go out to dinner I normally choose the cheapest thing on the menu that I think I will like, especially if someone else is paying. Lately I have intentionally tried to choose something because I think I will like it even if it is $3 or so more. I use to pick the damaged package when I bought something because I know it’s harder for the retailer to sell them, today I intentionally choose a good one. I have lived my life making others happy. It does not feel comfortable thinking about what I want. Baby steps but I’m making some.
I feel like a little kid.
What I started to write about is, on our way home we chose a very expensive hotel to stay in. We used points not cash so it was not hard to do. I DO NOT! like using valet service when I park my car. At this hotel you can’t even leave your car to go check in without leaving your car key with the valet. My first reaction was anger, a lot of anger, I was ready to leave. Fortunately earlier that day I was listening to the part in the book where he talks about getting out of our comfort zone, and the 1st expensive shirt he bought… So I was able to relax and try to just appreciate some finer things, after all when I’m wealthy it will be an everyday thing. As we were lead to our room through this beautiful hotel I admired the layout, the design, the light fixtures, the ambiance.
I thought about it a lot as we were driving home. I feel like I should like that kind of treatment, someone waiting on me hand and foot as they say, but I don’t, not yet any way. I don’t like someone loading up my car for me, I don’t like having to call someone to get my car, or to come pick up my luggage, show me all around my room any of it.
I don’t feel like I’m done but Debbe is flying to CA tomorrow, it’s getting late and I want to spend the rest of the evening with her so I’ll stop here.